Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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