So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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