These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
