Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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