Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
