You work out of a Hotel?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
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