I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
