I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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