dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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