so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
