Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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