just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
