i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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