Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Randomize
