just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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