My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
