He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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