i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
