I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize