dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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