Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
