i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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