I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
