I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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