I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
