You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize