I will die if light touches me.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
