Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
