Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
