very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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