Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
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