she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
