I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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