Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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