Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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