My room smells like vodka and shame
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
