The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
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