he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
