How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Randomize
