White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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