Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
