guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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