I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Bring me that man meat
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
