I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize