I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
