i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
