omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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