all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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