Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
