I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
