i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
