why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
