Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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