so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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