I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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