On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
