I hate your face
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
