I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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