I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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